Jason's Journal

3:44pm: lynda barry

11:28pm: North Dakota is SO COLD. It makes sense though.

The weather's been "bad" since I arrived. I'm too scared to drive. It takes a while to get into winter mode. Tonight I went in town for Erin's mom's graduation party. Chubby teenage girls singing karaoke, burly middle aged men drinking O'Douls and Busch, women gossiping and taking pictures, everyone dressed up. Magical times. I sat and the bar and smoked with the bartender. He was interesting. Very interesting. Not sure what his type is though. I should have asked if he wanted to act out Brokeback Mountain.

There was another beautiful guy there. One of Erin's cousins. Very well dressed, charming, perfectly groomed facial hair. He kinda hung by himself though. I wanted to talk to him pretty badly. Then, Erin told me that he had just gotten back from Iraq. I was over it. I can just imagine him touching me, only I can't stop seeing him with blood all over his hands, smearing all over my face and neck and chest. The blood of Iraqi children. War ruins everything, even silly graduation parties on the other side of the world.

I don't hate veterans. But there's something about a guy who just got back from war that is both horrifying and heartbreaking. I wanted to ask him if he had killed anyone, if he had made eye contact with someone who wanted to kill him. What kind of gun did he use? Did he use a gun at all? What is it like to kill people from inside a tank? I would like to wash his mind of all those memories of bullets and explosions, and replace them with memories of trips to Vancouver and frisbee in the park.

But I can't do that. So instead I'll have a cigarette with the bartender.

11:03pm: may you one day carry me home
up here in the city, it feels like things are closing in. the sunset's just my lightbulb burning out.

12:02am:

Your dating personality profile: Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates. Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters.

Your date match profile: Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw him out of his shell and get to know what he is all about. Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Liberal 2. Outgoing 3. Practical 4. Big-Hearted 5. Sensual 6. Adventurous 7. Intellectual 8. Wealthy/Ambitious 9. Athletic 10. Romantic

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Practical 2. Shy 3. Adventurous 4. Intellectual 5. Athletic 6. Conservative 7. Traditional 8. Big-Hearted 9. Sensual 10. Funny

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

3:11pm: To the man protesting against gays on campus today:
I have a hard time with America. I thinks it's a nice enough place with nice enough people, but as far as rights go, I don't really know what to think. To be honest, the idea of constitutionally protected personhood is pretty weakened in my mind when a group of people is prevented from marrying. How about our right to feel beautiful, when we are beautiful, instead of being made to feel ugly and sinful in front of all those people? Hate speech is mentally, emotionally, and physically damaging. It is not protest because it is not discussion. It is illogical, mostly faith-based, and it promotes violence. It lends itself to oppressors. You think you are promoting freedom by exercising your freedom of speech, but what you are saying is not speech. It's not comprehensive. It's not progressive. It does nothing for society but promote silence and repression and pain. It puts a hold on intelligent dialogue. It is not welcome on a college campus. Academia, religion...all good people...think you are shameful. You do not speak for Jesus, you do not speak for the people, you do not speak for America, you do not speak for morality, you do not speak for God, you do not speak for anyone but yourself. You serve only your own hatred. A group of children walked by and read your sign. How dare you. How dare you act as though your ideas are well-thought and welcome. How dare you come into an atmosphere of critical thought and free expression, and then tarnish that culture with your twisted beliefs and unsubstantiated claims. You are not welcome because you are damaging. You are pollution.

11:59pm: I have started a website for posting my writing and other people's writing. It's www.shinygreenmarble.com. If you are interested in contributing anything let me know(please do).

9:02pm:

6:52pm: And then to begin. And then to begin. And then to begin. And then to begin. And then to him. And then to him. And then to him. And then to the end. And then to Him. And him to them. And him to them. And them to begin. And them to begin. And he to the end. And to the end. And to begin. And then to begin. And then to the route. And then to the route. And then to the call. And call to the then. And to call to them. And a call to then end. And then to begin.

2:58pm:



take the "are you a democrat or a republican?" test.



and go to mewing.net to love or sass.

10:38pm: Stolen from Joe who stole it from Emily who stole it from Jing

1. Reply with your name and I will then write something about you.
2. I will then tell you what song reminds me of you.
3. Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity, animated or otherwise.
4. Last, I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. Put this in your journal

10:32pm: my new favorite word: phthisis

look it up. it's fun to spell it out loud.

3:42am: and then i couldn't sleep
and then i filled them out
and then i had a thought
and then i took the pill
and then i grabbed the bottle
and then i put it down
and then i played the song
and then i was so blank
and then i wondered
and then i was nothing and knew nothing and was always nothing
and then i never went to bed

5:42pm: On your current playlist, hit shuffle and pick the first twenty songs on the list (no matter how cheesy or embarrassing), and write down your favourite line of the song. Try to avoid putting the song title in the line.

1. Most people never find a love…
2. No, you can't control yourself any longer...
3. Some people want to fill the world…
4. Start the car and honk the horn, I'll be right outside…
5. I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers…
6. I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time…
7. True, it may seem like a stretch, but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away, when I am missing you to death…
8. You make everything groovy…
9. "Cathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping. I'm empty and aching, and I don't know why…
10. I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl…
11. She is superman's cousin, she's got super power lovin'…
12. Without you here, there is less to say…
13. We live in a beautiful world…
14. It's the stuff of country songs…
15. And even after all my logic and my theory, I add a "motha fucka" so you ign'ant niggahs hear me…
16. I care but I'm restless. I'm here but I'm really gone…
17. Love is all we need, dear…
18. Sail on, silver girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine…
19. This is what I want to be, and this is what I give to you…
20. But if you stay I'll make you a day like no day has been, or will be again. We'll sail on the sun, we'll ride on the rain, and talk to the trees, and worship the waves…


if you can get all these right, you win a prize!

12:39am:

( for me and for you, mes frères et mes soeurs )

12:45am: Here are some books I think everyone should read before they die, from my western, English-speaking perspective:

1. The bible. I am inclined to think of the bible as a masterpiece in dire need of editing, but that could be just because any English translations I have found have been really poor, or maybe I just don't get it. But I think everyone should have solid knowledge of the major stories and themes of the bible, if only to be able to understand biblical allusions in other western literature. I really don't know enough about the bible.

2. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

3. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

4. The Twits by Roald Dahl

5. Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

6. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

7. Paradise Lost by John Milton

8. Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf

9. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

10. A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce

11. A People's History of the United States 1492-Present by Howard Zinn

12. Moby Dick by Herman Melville, though I'm only a quarter of the way through it right now, it's already pretty amazing and I think it will stay the same. It inspired me to make this list.

13. The Stranger by Albert Camus

There are probably more that I'll think of later. This is just my opinion. Please suggest books that should be added.

I also think that everyone should learn calculus. But whatev.

1:32am: Tonight I was thinking about workers' unions and how important it is to support them. My dad's a union man. My friends' parents are union folk. It's a shame to see people crossing picket lines. Don't be one of those people.

Tonight I saw Julia Butterfly Hill speak. If you don't know, she once climbed a redwood tree and lived in it for 2 years so that loggers wouldn't cut it down. She was great. All about the unification of people. No enemies. Right on. Then we went to see Macbeth performed at the Annenberg Bowl, which was neat.

Now you know. I'm sure you were wondering. I have so much reading to do :-(

12:43am: does anyone still read this?

7:43pm: good stuff
"It was only an hour since I'd gotten off the train and already my father had explained to two strangers that we weren't having an affair. The first was the bartender at the Oyster Bar, where Pop had pulled out my stool as if New York was his overcoat and he was spreading it over a puddle for me."

1:30am: a few quotes

 

Some quotes:

“To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
  --Theodore Roosevelt

"Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day."
                --Thomas Jefferson

"...if we look at the ravages which Communist politics... inflicted on those areas where they were allowed full play - the sheer destruction of resources... the obliteration of morality and truth-telling, the contempt for life, the ubiquitous corruption, the long-term poverty - we have to count as an immeasurable blessing that Marxism took over only one-fifth of the world... Supposing it had triumphed and run the entire planet by its catastrophic system of wealth-destruction. The whole of humanity would have then entered a new dark age of savagery and want."
                 --Paul Johnson, The National Review

(Capitalism has done a much more thorough job)

 

And now for something I'd rather think about:

Touch
My hands
open the curtains of your being
clothe you in a further nudity
uncover the bodies of your body

My hands
invent another body for your body

Octavio Paz

5:33pm: *yawn*

I will close my eyes and wake up there in dreamland
Tell me, who will put flowers on a flower's grave?
Who will say a prayer?

3:38am:

3:23am: I want to write even if it's disgustingly boring. I need to stop getting caught up in style. I need to find someone to protect me. I need to find someone who will beat me senseless. I need to meet someone who is ugly who will make me feel beautiful. I need to find someone who is ugly and learn to understand that they are beautiful. Sometimes I see an octopus in the corner of the room, but it's not a hallucination since I know it's not real. Sometimes I get images of the Goofy Movie in my head and I don't know why. Sometimes I think about dying, hypothetically. Sometimes I live my entire life in my head in just a few minutes. I have a tormenting paranoia of being killed in a car accident. I don't know, but maybe I'll die in a plane crash. I don't know how to talk to people subtley. I just want to say things, honestly, by which I mean that I want to be truthful. I don't want people to think I'm weird or crazy. Tonight I saw a little person puke half a gallon of milk into a garbage can. That almost made me throw up. My hair feels waxy. They are sleeping together and I didn't know they were. He is straight but I knew he was. He is crazy but I knew that, too. He doesn't care, or he cares, he just doesn't know what to do so he gives up. He lives in his own world. She is someone who is more like a rock than a sun. She is sick and we don't know how or why. She is alone. I am alone as well. He may be discovering where he belongs, that he is a woman. Do away with myself? We are a society of cynics. When I look at you I see that there is plenty to have faith in. We need to make that big, a big L, and call it Love because there is not a single god. Not a single god, just pure and perfect Love. Except that we are a society of cynics, obsessed with ourselves, obsessed with the truth. And we love each other "with a love that won't let go" and we need each other from now into forever.

10:04am: ( OIL )

7:36pm: Found this at the bookstore today

12:05pm: Nightclub
Billy Collins

You are so beautiful and I am a fool
to be in love with you
is a theme that keeps coming up
in songs and poems.
There seems to be no room for variation.
I have never heard anyone sing
I am so beautiful
and you are a fool to be in love with me,
even though this notion has surely
crossed the minds of women and men alike.
You are so beautiful, too bad you are a fool
is another one you don't hear.
Or, you are a fool to consider me beautiful.
That one you will never hear, guaranteed.

For no particular reason this afternoon
I am listening to Johnny Hartman
whose dark voice can curl around
the concepts on love, beauty, and foolishness
like no one else's can.
It feels like smoke curling up from a cigarette
someone left burning on a baby grand piano
around three o'clock in the morning;
smoke that billows up into the bright lights
while out there in the darkness
some of the beautiful fools have gathered
around little tables to listen,
some with their eyes closed,
others leaning forward into the music
as if it were holding them up,
or twirling the loose ice in a glass,
slipping by degrees into a rhythmic dream.

Yes, there is all this foolish beauty,
borne beyond midnight,
that has no desire to go home,
especially now when everyone in the room
is watching the large man with the tenor sax
that hangs from his neck like a golden fish.
He moves forward to the edge of the stage
and hands the instrument down to me
and nods that I should play.
So I put the mouthpiece to my lips
and blow into it with all my living breath.
We are all so foolish,
my long bebop solo begins by saying,
so damn foolish
we have become beautiful without even knowing it.